Speaking of observance

Click here for Elfsdh's take on the (in)famous "driving teshuvah."

A Modest Followup

The Sunday Styles section in yesterday's New York Times featured a bat mitzvah (girl, that is) wearing a $27,000 Dolce & Gabbana dress and flanked by Ashanti and Ja Rule.* This is exactly what I'm talking about. One of my professors called it a form of child abuse, and I'm not entirely sure if I disagree.

* These are both pop singers, albeit ones that haven't seen the Billboard Top 40 list for a while.

An afterthought

I'd like to extend my deepest thanks to all the spambots whose kind thoughts on creative writing, erectile dysfunction and francophonic footwear* kept me aware during the lull that I did, in fact, have another weblog.

* I kid you not.

A Modest Proposal

If your fava beans have not been skinned, soak them in cold water to cover for at least 12 hours. Drain and rub the skins off with your fingers. Favas cook quickly, so you might want to open the Chianti at this point, giving it ample time to breathe . . .

No, not really.

Early in 2004 the Wall Street Journal published an article about the growing demand for "bar mitzvah" parties by non-Jewish tweens in America. The Jewish community, never at a loss for words, let out a great cry: "How dare they steal and cheapen our traditions? Can't they think of their own coming of age ceremony? They're going to reduce the bar mitzvah to nothing but an expensive ego-fest for newly minted teenagers, devoid of all meaning and, and, um."

And then the Jewish community suddenly remembered that it had forgotten something in its car and had to leave the conversation early. Because really, where do you think our Gentile neighbors got this crazy idea about the meaning of a bar mitzvah? Yep. Another triumph for Operation Or Lagoyim.*

First, if I'm going to write about the meaning of a bar mitzvah, I should talk about the meaning of "bar mitzvah." (Everyone follow that?) It's a term that combines Aramaic and Hebrew, and can be translated literally as "son of a commandment"** and contextually as "one who is obligated to the Commandments." The reason I want to clarify this is that a lot of people think that (1) there is a "bar mitzvah ceremony," and that (2) undergoing this ceremony has some intrinsic effect on a person as a functioning Jew. Please take my word as a trainee Leader of the Jewish People: neither of these statements is true. A bar mitzvah isn't an event, it's a person who is Jewish, male and at least 13 years old.

(I am fully aware that there is such a thing as a "bat mitzvah," and I am just as adamant about getting people to use that phrase correctly. Please don't think I'm ignoring women or women's roles in contemporary Judaism. I prefer to work with traditional language not because of any political or personal bias, but because Semitic languages are even less suited to dealing with gender neutrality than the Germanic language that I speak.*** Okay, move along. That's all the apologetic I've got for now.)

The time when a boy becomes a bar mitzvah is traditionally (in the fairly ancient sense) marked by his leading services and being called to the Torah on the first appropriate day following his coming of age.**** It is also traditionally (in a far more recent and culturally specific sense) marked by a huge and embarrassingly expensive affair involving lots of food, professional dancers (optional, but strongly advised), the Electric Slide, and way too many 12 and 13 year old boys believing that they do not, in fact, come across as a bunch of preternaturally short and hairless Neanderthals in blue blazers. This usually happens right after the religious bit is over, and in more traditional communities sometimes involves taking the festivities elsewhere so as not to break various bylaws of the hosting synagogue.

A friend of mine put it very nicely: Your average bar mitzvah is a way to announce that one is a man while sending the very clear message that one is still a kid.† I know that there will be no abolishing this mess. For many people, the party is the coming of age, and no amount of ranting or reasoning will change that. Even if it could, the kids would still want it. No, the party will stay until sociology sends it somewhere else.

Instead of declaring war on the bar mitzvah party, I propose that we push it up a month. This would work on the same logic as a bachelor party, but without the strippers††: A bash before finally settling down. With the social pressures and financial struggles of the conspicuous 12.92nd birthday celebration out of the way, the synagogue service could stand on its own without having to compete for attention. That month could be spent on a sort of light contemplation. (I won't ask too much; I may be a stodgy, overzealous critic, but I know what it means to be 12.) Maybe we could start a tradition of taking that time to write a list of things one will do differently upon reaching adulthood, in consultation with clergy and/or one's parents. Wouldn't that be nice?

I look forward to any obsequiety (or criticism) you may wish to offer.

* Hebrew: "a light unto the nations." See chapter 60 of Isaiah for context.
** Useful if you ever need a lame and/or weird insult devoid of profanity.
*** I also had many more male than female friends at the age when one attends a lot of these things, and I did not have many male friends who had many female friends, so I happen to know more about the boy-heavy parties than the other kind. On those recent occasions when I've encountered the other sort of party, my first reaction has been to think that I, as a grown man, ought to be arrested for seeing 12 year old girls dressed that way.
**** That is, the next Monday, Thursday, Saturday or holiday, on which days there is a public Torah reading.
† Said friend shall remain anonymous unless she chooses not to do so.
†† I have to wonder if the difference would be observable. See ***.